Recently I posted the following on social media. The most common question I got was “what is frame?” This post will explain what I mean when I write or talk about frame.
She gets nervous and undermines him.
His self confidence drops.
She gets more nervous and undermines him further.
He loses frame over her undermining.
She gets even more insecure over his loss of frame.
This is a VERY common relationship cycle.
Men don’t want to lose frame, but they do.
Women don’t want to undermine, but they do.
The roots of both negative behaviours are firmly planted in childhood. Both are either repeating the past or living in fear of repeating the past.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
To escape this common relationship ending cycle both need immediate help to adjust their behavior.
He needs help him shore up his vulnerabilities and improve his frame.
She needs help to learn how to express concern in a way that is not undermining.
If a relationship cycle of her undermining and him losing frame is allowed to continue it will reach a terminal point where nothing can be done to save the relationship. Divorce follows.
Frame as a subset of Agency
Your frame is your understanding of reality, which is a product of your self image (ego), your knowledge and your world view at both the personal and abstract level. This includes the boundaries that you set in your relationships with yourself and others.
(You will run into major issues if your understanding of reality does not match up with actual reality. Keeping a frame based on lies, myths and misunderstandings can be deadly.)
Agency, which is control over your thoughts, emotions and actions enables you to have frame control.
Frame control is outwardly manifest in actions that are consistent with your frame.
To maintain frame means to resist external manipulation of your ego, your worldview and your actions. Such manipulation is designed to get you to behave in a way that is contrary to your frame.
If you can’t maintain your frame or if your frame is not truthful you will be an easy target. You will be taken advantage of by bad people.
Is frame only interesting for men?
Almost all discussions about frame are centered around the masculine frame. This is to be expected since;
It’s mostly men writing about frame,
They mostly write for other men to read,
Agency and hence frame control is primarily pursued by men.
Understanding how to develop and maintain a masculine frame is essential for men since we are harshly punished and criticized for any lapses of frame control.
Does this mean that there is no femine frame?
There is absolutely a femine version of frame. Just as women can learn to have a degree of Agency, they can learn to hold a femine frame. This femine frame is not the same as a masculine frame, rather they should be complementary to each other.
We should never expect women to hold a masculine frame or vice a versa.
On the masculine frame
(Speaking ONLY of the healthy masculine frame)
Men, I will do you the honor of not prescribing you a specific frame. I trust you to build a strong frame for yourself using the information in this post and others.
Your frame is very personal, it is yours alone.
Frame will vary from man to man.
Not everyone is equal. You are not even equal to yourself on a different day.
Not every man is an Alpha within his social hierarchy.
Not every man has the same relationship with his family, friends, wife/girlfriend and the world.
A K-selected man will have a different frame than an r-selected man.
Some aspects of a mans frame must shift as his, knowledge, life and responsibilities develop.
As you construct your ego and develop Agency you must mindfully choose your frame.
Despite this variance, the masculine frame has some commonalities between men.
It is seeing the world from a masculine view point. This requires cultivating the masculine virtues of strength, courage, mastery and honour.
You can not develop or maintain a masculine frame without an ego built on a sufficient supply of masculine virtue. Therefore the first step to cultivate a masculine frame is to fully embrace being a man.
You must have clear, objective boundaries with yourself and others, especially your wife/girlfriend and children.
A boundary that can not be measured and mapped is not real.
A boundary you will not defend is not real.
At the same time, a man has got to know his limitations.
If your frame exceeds your ability to hold it you will be constantly losing frame or worse.
Posers will be exposed.
(For example, if you fake the frame of a tough guy around actual tough guys you are going to get hurt. Know your limitations. Observe your surroundings. Learn to read people and adjust accordingly.)
Manipulators who constantly seek to subsume your frame with theirs will be exposed.
Develop your Agency until you can hold an honest, unyielding, intolerant frame no matter who or what you are faced with and you will have become immune to all the drama and manipulation that men are regularly subject to.
On the female frame
(Speaking ONLY of the healthy femine frame)
What is a healthy female frame?
It is a femine frame based on an abundance of femine virtues and an acknowledgment of reality including the inherent inequality of the sexes and their complementary roles.
Start by cultivating your femininity and weeding out masculine traits from your personality.
Develop your Agency to the best of your ability.
Be realistic in your expectations of life, yourself and others.
Do not display a wannabe masculine frame. You are not a second rate man.
Do not adopt the not a feminst frame. You need men to thrive.
A healthy femine frame includes an awareness that she is dependent on her ingroup men, especially if she wishes to be a mother.
Stop competing* with men in your life and start finding ways to cooperate with them.
Let good men help you but be very careful which men you allow into your life.
Avoid women who operate in an unhealthy or masculine frame.
Seek out older women who can mentor you and help you with keeping a femine frame.
Where the masculine frame is hard, the femine frame is soft.
Therefore, if your femine frame clashes with your man’s frame you only have two choices.
Adjust your frame.
Find a new man.
If it’s possible for you to change his frame you are dating a man who doesn’t have a healthy and strong frame. Your ability to change him will leave you unsatisfied.
The femine frame is soft, but it is not without substance. Avoid anyone (especially prospective partners) who does not respect your desire to maintain a femine frame and have boundaries of your choosing.
*In societies where women do not have the protection and provision of a Patriarchy they will find themselves under competitive pressure to provide for their children. The hormonal response is increased testosterone production that increases their stamina, strength, and competitiveness. In other words, they masculinize.
This masculinization can be visually observed. Along with stress hormones, testosterone also increases the amount of fat stored in the waist, thereby reducing the healthy feminine figure.
If you have any more questions about frame please let me know below.