In the past our cultural understanding of love, romance and relationships was tightly governed by our family, society, law and the church. Everyone knew their roles and generally what to expect from marriage.
The 20th century saw the near total destruction of the roots and pillars of western society. We lost our clear understanding of the sexual market and received a fraudulent promise of happiness through sexual liberation, feminism and radical individualism. The result has been mass confusion and increasingly unrealistic expectations about relationships.
Having unrealistic romantic expectations leads to disappointment, frustration, anger and unhappiness. Learning to accept reality (truth) as it is and not as you wish it to be is essential to developing a highly fulfilling romantic relationship.
Some reasons why many have unrealistic romantic expectations
For men unrealistic romantic expectations are connected to the immature mans desire to escape masculine responsibility (escape from reality).
For women unrealistic romantic expectations are connected to the narcissistic womens delusions about her value.
For both sexes romantic delusion involves the natural desire for unlimited resources and freedom from consequences. When that desire is not tempered with high Agency it leads to unrealistic expectations.
Some other factors that have increased this problem include:
Growing up without healthy examples of romantic relationships for you to imitate.
Exposure to harmful programing from mass media entertainment, romance novels, pornorgraphy, etc.
Too much time spent “daydreaming” about romance or building fantasies in our minds.
Myth vs Reality
This week I asked my readers “What unrealistic romantic expectations do you think are common in western society?” Below is some of their responses. I got so much feedback I couldn't use all of it. A huge thank you to all who responded, in many cases I've used your suggestions verbatim.
This post is intentionally triggering, we are going to break through a set of entrenched myths. Below there will be rampant generalizations, for each time you think “but not all X” you hereby agree to send me €1 via paypal. Count it as Agency training.
Myth: That there should be an instant connection, a “love at first sight” (chemestery). There is a soulmate out there for you. You don't choose who you fall in love with. (Deep down these are all the same myth of romantic predestination.)
Reality: Love is a choice. Love has also been described as an involuntary reaction to virtue. How can we reconcile the two statements? When we chose to become the kind of person who reacts to virtue with love.
Our initial impressions of a person are valuable and we should not ignore our intuition, however unless we see serious warning signs it's generally best to give worthy people a chance to demonstrate virtue and for love to grow.
It may take time to notice a person's virtues, especially if they are modest or tend towards introversion. On the other hand, lust at first sight is a real thing. We are genetically programed to react positively to attractive people, especially if they are nice to us. Confusing this with love is dangerous and leaves us open to manipulation.
Romantic compatibility is rather broad. Unless we are at one extreme end of a bell curve or the other there are probably many people who would be romantically compatible with us. Understanding ourselves and our needs will help us to find a partner that is as compatible as possible within a reasonable time frame. Ideally we will put ourselves in a position of meeting potentially compatible mates regularly until we are able to successfully match with someone.
Myth: Women deserve men with higher SMV than the women because they're women.
Reality: Just because you can attract attention from a man who has a higher SMV than you doesn't mean he wants a relationships with you. Men may be willing to sleep with lower quality women but they aren't going to want to build a life with you. You can easily waste your youth trying to get such men to commit to you.
Know your Sexual Market Value. How old are you? Where do you fall on the bell curve in relation to looks, intelligence, family history, domestic skills? How does that compare to the male bell curve?
Get a good understanding of yourself and what areas you can improve. Look for a partner near your level, someone realistic. At the same time, don't settle for someone you can't make a happy life with. Balance is necessary.
Myth: Single moms haven't lost any SMV.
Reality: The fastest way to reduce a woman's SMV is to have children. In a marriage this serves to lock the couple into healthy interdependence. The woman will not leave because with children she can't do better. The man will not leave because he would lose his children.
For single and divorced women, having children greatly reduces her SMV. She is going to have to make some major improvements or be willing to settle to find a man.
Myth: Women don't care what men look like.
“Expecting a guy to be over 6' tall when the average height for an american man is 5'9".”
Reality: Women may willing to settle for a man with less than ideal looks, however they usually prefer better looking men. Strong, fit, well dressed men are signaling their genetic fitness for survival and their ability to produce good, healthy offspring. This is simply a pull of nature. Get fit and stop looking like a slob, you will notice that women pay you more attention immediately.
Myth: Women won't pay attention to me because Im too ugly/fat/etc.
“Im only an incel because Im ugly.”
Reality: It's true that women care what a man looks like. It's only reasonable since an attractive appearance is connected to good genetics. On the other hand there are many ugly men who are happily married to women with perfectly good eyesight. Obviously these men have found other ways to attract women. Looks are important, but not all important.
Myth: Finding a marriage mate is something that just happens, you don't need to go out looking.
Reality: Finding a marriage mate takes work. There are things you need to know. Habits you need to develop. A network of friends and suitable partners you need to cultivate. You need to go on dates and practice romantic interactions. Finally you need to think deeply about what you are doing. Taking the search for a marriage partner seriously is an investment in your future, don't leave it up to chance.
Myth: You can use your partner as a therapist and it won't negatively impact your relationship.
“The desire for men to be emotional tampons for women.”
“Women care about your feelings.”
“Women want men who are willing to be vulnerable.”
“Your mate can and should support/fulfill all your needs for intimacy & validation”
Reality: Emotional intimacy brings a couple together however your partner can not be your therapist. There is a clear conflict of interest in such cases. Do not “dump” emotionally on your partner. Find a therapist or coach to help you.
Couples who have close friends outside of their marriage tend to be happier than couples who isolate themselves. Men need male friends, women need female friends. There are some topics you just shouldn't be discussing with your spouse if you want to keep a healthy relationship.
Additionally, men must be aware that women will instinctually reflect and amplify emotions. Never show passivity or weakness to a woman. Women are genetically programed to care for helpless, passive infants and will respond to your perceived weakness by infantilizing you. You then become asexual to her. She will see you as a weak, helpless infant. This is what friendzoning is really all about, women infantilizing weak, passive and sexually unappealing men.
to be continued in future posts….